Flickering Light

9:13 AM

I open my eyes and realize that I slept through my alarms again. I pull myself out of bed reluctantly. Like clockwork, I head to my desk, switch on my lamp, and wait for my laptop to boot up. One incessant thought courses through my mind as I wait - “I had 6 hours of sleep. Why am I still exhausted?”

I head to the kitchen and make myself a giant cup of coffee. I haven’t eaten anything yet, but lunch is just 3 hours away. I think about the number of pages I still have to read before tonight’s class, closing my eyes at the thought of another nerve-wracking recitation. I chug my coffee like it’s the last thing I’ll ever drink. Before I know it, my mug is empty.

As soon as I return to my desk, I instantly start to regret it. My head is pounding like crazy. I don’t want to read anymore. I just want to go back to bed and stare at the ceiling for God knows how long. But I know I can’t do that, so I take a deep breath and force myself to study.

11:43 AM

It’s been almost 2 hours since I started studying, but I feel like I didn’t absorb a thing - let alone understand anything. I start imagining worst-case scenarios in my head about tonight’s recitation and accept defeat. If I end up getting insults in exchange for my subpar answers, it only means one thing: yet another brutal all-nighter put to waste.

I contemplate sending a message to a friend but decide against it. I don’t have the energy to talk to anyone. I drown in my thoughts for a few minutes before I start to feel again that nothing about this is normal. My days have been like this for the past few months. It’s like I’m stuck in a state of perpetual stress and sadness.

My fingers move at their own volition. The web page pops up before my eyes and I immediately scroll down to find an article about burnout. Increased caffeine consumption? Check. What started as a healthy amount quickly turned into five humongous cups of coffee every single day. Persistent tiredness in the mornings? That’s a big fat check. The messy bed is enough of an indicator to show that I don’t want to get up and start my day. Social withdrawal from friends and/or family? Check. I don’t talk to anyone anymore unless necessary. I tick off all the other symptoms. I might as well have turned the common symptoms into a checklist.

5:32 PM

I have barely half an hour before I face my eventual demise. I studied again for a few hours after I ate lunch and had another cup of coffee. The studying didn’t last long enough - I was constantly distracted until I eventually gave up and decided to look at old pictures instead. Nostalgia is a double-edged sword; it brings me joy to reminisce and look back on old memories, but at the same time, it evokes so much pain because I know I can never go back to my old life. Gone are the nights when I would watch a few episodes of my favorite sitcom before going to sleep. No more laid-back weekends and lazy Sundays with the family. Nowadays, my jealous mistress demands so much from me to the point that I don’t even have time for myself.

It’s a few minutes before 6. So much for nostalgia.

9:08 PM

I breathe out a heavy sigh of relief once I leave the meeting. I like to think I remain unscathed since I didn’t give a wrong answer, although I wasn’t exactly right either. Maybe pulling an all-nighter was worth it. Whatever the case, I don’t feel anything out of the ordinary since I know I have to do everything all over again. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my life now, whether I like it or not.

1:21 AM

I’m supposed to be studying, but it feels like my mind is already rejecting the information I’m trying to feed it. “How convenient,” I think to myself. “Even my own body is betraying me.” At this point, I’m playing an endless game of push-and-pull with the LOA form. It’s only a matter of time before I succumb to it and wave my white flag. How long do I have to live like this?

I know I’m burned out, but I’m not taking any steps to address it as well. I read countless self-help guides and watch self-care routines, yet everything about my life is so plain and lackluster. I have a great support system, but even that won’t take away the feeling of nothingness. I’m on a downward spiral. I’ve reached an all-time low, and there’s no going back up.

I’m centimeters away from giving up. So close. I don’t have it in me to keep going. But at the back of my mind, there’s a scintilla of hope that this will all make sense someday. Of the many sacrifices I’m making today, it will be worth it when I become an instrument of justice to victims of oppression. I hope I hold out long enough for me to witness the fruits of my labor.

I see no point in trying to romanticize my life. As a realist, I try to live my life for what it is; not what it’s supposed to be. There’s a sliver of truth when they say that law school brings out the worst in people. When hours of pure hard work go down the drain, it’s easy to feel a sense of entitlement to certain privileges.

But even so, rest is not a privilege in law school. It may seem hard to believe, but rest is a necessity. It’s important to draw the line between working hard and becoming a victim of grind culture. Respect and honor your body by giving it the rest that it needs. Go outside, reintroduce healthy habits, spend time with your loved ones - whatever it takes to spark and reignite the fire inside you.

Let this be a reminder to work hard, but also to set boundaries. Your energy is sacred.

Don’t let anyone or anything dehumanize you and your needs.

And remember – stay alive.