main character thingz

It was a very good day. I just found out I scored the highest in our exam. I had a good recitation, and I knew all the answers to the quiz we were given. I was smiling the whole time and I was ready to go to my favorite coffee shop even when it was late. I think I deserve even just a sip of my favorite coffee. I ordered. Just when the cup was almost close to my lips, the aroma getting nostalgic, and the warmth creeping up my hands comforted me… I woke up. What a dream!

The thought of going to law school was daunting and was like a wild dream. Maybe that’s why I entered because I actually haven’t thought of it that much. I did not have enough time to overthink things which would make me quit even before entering. I never had enough time to realize the consequences and sacrifices which would eventually crush the dream. And when I entered, I felt like the main character in my own movie. I imagined a law school journey where I would eventually conquer my fears and doubts. You know, those main character things. The cliché plot where everything turns out great, despite hindrances and trials. Main character thingz. But what a wild thought that was! I was romanticizing my life so much that the main character vibe remained just that– an idea, a notion of what could have been but never was. Maybe?

I was frozen in my seat after a bad recitation. I felt humiliated in front of the class for not knowing what apparently was in the book. Just when I thought it could not get worse, I got a failing grade in my first exam. I was devastated and was wondering what I was doing in law school. I felt hopeless and lost. I felt like I did not belong. I was nowhere near the main character I was romanticizing my law student self to be. But I got a classmate who scored the highest. I got another classmate who was great at recitation. I also have a classmate who seems to have read everything. I have a classmate who can explain the doctrines well. Another classmate who dresses so well. Another classmate who looks so smart and beautiful; classmates who seem to know everything. I was in awe of the array of people around me. I realized they are the real main characters, the people who embody the main character vibes. And I was there, the supporting actor in their movie. So much for the main character things, huh?

As months passed by, I was dreading classes. I hated the idea of reading yet again, and somehow failing recitations, and not getting good grades. Shame was an understatement. I knew I was confident. I was fun. I enjoyed learning, and I loved reading. I was doing the main character thingz before law school. And now I just do not know. I never knew where I went wrong. I never knew where I stopped being the main character in my life. And it sucks, realizing you’re not really great.

Then one day, as I was scrolling pictures of my pre-law self, I realized something. I really was not the main character before. I just felt like a main character because I did not care and did not compare myself with anyone. I just did my own thing and conquered my own fears. I felt supreme doing better than I did. I felt free being myself without any standard to measure myself with. I did not care about excellence. I just did my best and hoped for God to do the rest. And maybe that’s where everything went downhill. When I entered law school, I strived hard to maintain a great performance. I was always expecting myself to do more and to be more. And when I failed, I beat myself up and took it against myself for doing poorly. I always appreciated other’s victories and highlighted their abilities while casting shadows on my own.  I get disappointed with myself whenever I feel like I was not able to give my hundred percent. I get angry at myself for not knowing anything. I get frustrated when I get a low score. I get annoyed at myself whenever I feel emotional.

It went as far as getting so worked up with my expectations of how I should be as a law student that I discredited myself even when I was doing the best I could.

The thing with law school is that it is not about who is the smartest, the wittiest, or the brightest. It measures perseverance more than intelligence. It is easy to read and understand the books. What is not easy, is the time, money, and effort you have to invest everyday in your journey. What is not easy, is facing the fact that you will not always have a good day in law school, if there is a good day at all. It is not easy to get humiliated in front of the whole class by a professor. It is not easy to juggle work and law school. It is not easy to choose between rest and studying. It is not easy to cope with the number of books one has to read. What is not easy is trying to do everything you can or seeing yourself fail one after another. It takes a lot of perseverance and maybe a little madness to continue and conquer. But you have to be that person. I know many bright people who stopped, and I met many rich ones who also discontinued. Maybe law school is not for them, but maybe it is for us.

So, yeah, we may not be the brightest, wittiest or the smartest in class. We may be nowhere near their ability to speak their minds or nail a recitation. We do not always get a high grade. But somehow, in our journey, we’ve had memorable moments, haven’t we? It’s funny how a photo album could make me realize that it is always a matter of perception. I’ve had a couple of good recitations, high scores, and I was always passing my subjects. I may not be the best, but hey, I was doing the main character thing, weren’t I? I was doing the cliché. I was persevering despite the trials. There were a lot of hindrances, but I never got bothered by them. I still did what I was supposed to do. I survived, and I am still surviving each day. I laugh at my mistakes despite frustrations. I justify midnight snacks with being emotional. I found friends I could count on. I’ve been growing and getting better at this. And if you’re doing that too, you’re a main character too! You may be unaware of your ability, but definitely you are a main character in your own story. Doing main character thingz. Surviving. Thriving.  Perhaps, it is time for law students to appreciate themselves more. Give credits to themselves more. Focus on themselves more. No more sanaol, because we are the main characters of our own lives. Shift your perception to what will benefit you in the long run. Do things out of love or just pure madness. Persevere every day and not minding anyone. Doing, loving, and being. Because we all have insecurities and weaknesses, we all have bad and rough days. We all have sad moments. We are all just doing our best. We feel emotions. So just keep on and keep living your main character self. Main characters have downfalls too, but rest assured, everything will be alright. So just keep pushing until you reach the sweet ending of the movie where you are the main character. We are all rooting for you, future lawyers! Keep grinding! Somehow, soon, we will be a witness of the main character that you are easily doing main character things.