The Whirlwind Roller Coaster

T’was already dusk when I clumsily clicked on the power button on my laptop. A fraction of a second was left before the clock ticked 6:00 o’clock. Everything had to be in order. My internet connection should be stable. The night seemed familiar already. My senses felt at ease in bracing for yet another blistering ride of incredible highs and terrible lows. Armed with nothing but an honest purpose and a deep-seated dream, my only prayer is to make it through the night. I may have some semblance of confidence in myself and my readings, but a bigger part of me is always anxious and afraid. I know the very moment I lose focus, get distracted, or even just lighten my grasp, I will be thrown out by sheer force and howling winds. For me, this is what law school is: a whirlwind roller coaster.

Roller Coasters are weird. They’re contraptions created to squeeze out fear and pump out adrenaline. I used to think riding it willingly was incomprehensible. Why would people subject themselves to such discomfort? But that is until I found myself riding one. It has always been my dream to study law and to ultimately become a lawyer. I heard stories of the terrors in law school and the Bar examination, but I brushed them all aside. I was an eager beaver; a naïve greenhorn or a simple dreamer. I would never have let other people discourage me from doing what I want.

I cannot recall a particular instance when fantasy transitioned to a waking nightmare. Was it when I was given hundreds of cases to read and digest in such a short time? Or was it when I was struggling in recalling the cases and provisions during recitations? Perhaps it was when I had to sacrifice sleep to maintain a work-life-school balance? I honestly cannot remember. I cannot complain though. I wanted this, like a masochist who just cannot get enough pain, terror, and torture. I keep coming back for more.

There is just something in the bittersweet anxiety and displeasure before each class. That nauseating feverish feeling that would not go away. I never know if I have read enough or read too much. I am never sure if I have already comprehended what I read. What will the professor ask? What minor detail will I miss out? During each class, time crawls brutally slow like a taunting turtle or a sleepy slug. An hour feels like it has gained enough sentience, powered by my torment, to enable itself to stretch on infinitely. Then, there is the Socratic approach in education. Socrates, in his honest philosophical pursuits, unwittingly found an effective way to test, terrorize, or torture students like me today. God bless his soul. When each class finally ends and the professor finally closes the virtual classroom, there is such an overwhelming sense of relief and satisfaction. The feeling is incomparable. Another day is done, and I have enough energy and drive that I continue to subject myself to more of what law school has to offer.

The first semester just came and went. With just three months to complete the course, the pressure for me, my classmates and the professors was palpable. Things were already challenging enough with the online classes, ongoing pandemic, and hurdles to mental health. Time (or the lack of it) has only made things even more taxing. I remember having a midterm exam and when I blinked, the final exam was already rearing its head. The holidays provided a pleasant distraction but there is no room to be complacent. It is easy to fall off when too relaxed.

For all the difficulties and challenges in law school, I actually find myself enjoying the ride. I know the path is long and winding but I know I am on the right track. I know I am not alone. Countless people went before me. They all faced similar (or worse) circumstances, but they pulled through and soared to great heights. I also share this journey with new friends. They helped make the blistering ride even more bearable. It is also in these trying times when I truly felt the love and support of my family. I know they have always stood by me but now I know they’ll pick me up if I fall. Just where I am right now is something I personally choose. There would be no other reason to have it in another way as I cannot see myself elsewhere. And I am here to make the most out of this whirlwind roller coaster.